


Love me louder

by MaplePaizley



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, Family, Fluff and Angst, Help me I wrote Angst, Mental Health Issues, Modern AU, Postpartum Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-12-31 17:24:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12137430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaplePaizley/pseuds/MaplePaizley
Summary: “He’s awake?” Eliza mumbled tiredly, sitting up.“Yeah”, Alex muttered.“Damn it” Eliza groaned, sounding close to tears. “That’s the third time tonight.”Alex and Eliza are having a hard time being new parents.





	Love me louder

**Author's Note:**

> I'm working on a multi-chapter for Great Comet, and I tried to write some cute Hamliza fluff to relax, and I got v. angsty instead lord above help me 
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts! Feedback is wonderful and very validating!

Alex was jolted awake by the sound of baby Philip fussing over the monitor. He glanced over at the clock on the side table, squinting to try and make out the time, sighing sadly when he saw that it was 3:23 AM. He rolled over, about to get out of bed and check on his son when he saw Eliza begin to stir as well.

 

“He’s awake?” Eliza mumbled tiredly, sitting up.

 

“Yeah”, Alex muttered.

 

“Damn it” Eliza groaned, sounding close to tears. “That’s the third time tonight.”

 

Alex rubbed her shoulders, gentling her back down to the bed. “Betsey, maybe one of us should go in there” he wheedled quietly, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

 

Eliza shook her head, distressed. “He’s supposed to be learning how to self-soothe, and if we go in there now, he’ll figure out that if he cries enough, one of us will come in.”

 

“Don’t you think we might be over-estimating his understanding of cause and effect?” Alex asked carefully. “He’s only seven months old.”

 

“Alex, we can’t”, Eliza said, drawing a pillow over her ears to try to block out the whimpers that were turning into wails.

 

“What if he’s hungry?”

 

“He can’t be, I fed him forty minutes ago.”

 

Alex bit his lip. He tried to lie back and go to sleep, but Philip’s piercing shrieks only seemed to get louder. He rolled over and met Eliza, who was looking at him with an equal degree of consternation. “I hate this” he sighed.

 

“Me too”, she whispered.

 

“Do you want me to get him?” Alex murmured.

 

“No”, Eliza said firmly. “We can’t.”

 

“Okay” Alex muttered rebelliously, settling back under the covers. He tried to go to sleep, but quickly realized that it was impossible with his son wailing piteously in the background. He sighed, dragging a hand over his eyes.

 

Eliza looked over at him, rolling on her side to curl around him, wrapping her arms around his chest. “I don’t think we’re going back to sleep” she said quietly.

 

“Part of the whole baby thing I guess”, Alex groaned.

 

“Do you ever regret that we didn’t get more time, just the two of us?” Eliza whispered.

 

“What do you mean?” Alex asked, reaching out to tuck some hair behind her ear.

 

“We got engaged so quickly”, Eliza explained tiredly. “We only had two weeks before you had to go back to the front. And by the time you got back we were already parents.”

 

“But what matters is that we’re doing this together right? We’ve had a hard time Betsey, but we’re still a team, no matter what.”

 

“I know”, Eliza breathed, “but we’ve never had time to just be Alex and Eliza together. Do you ever feel like we aren’t ready for this?”

Alex sighed. “I don’t have any regrets, if that’s what you’re asking. Do you?” Eliza bit her lip and ducked her head, tilting it away from him. “Eliza”, Alex began softly. “Are you okay?”   
  
She nodded mutely, although Alex could see her chin trembling, a sure sign that she was close to tears. “Oh Betsey”, he murmured resignedly, wrapping his arms around her back and pulling her against his chest.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry”, Eliza muttered. Alex felt his heart sink as he felt her shudder in his arms, and heard quiet, breathy sobs quickly following.

 

“Hey, no apologies necessary”, he said firmly, running a hand up and down her back. He let her cry for what felt like hours, gently stoking her hair until her breathing evened out a little. When she looked up at him again, with swollen, red eyes, he gave her a small reassuring smile that he hoped masked the burning concern that was slowly eating away inside of him. “Let’s talk about this”, he said quietly.

 

“Alex…” Eliza protested, trying to burrow back in his chest.

 

Alex reached a finger under her chin, gently tilting her face up to meet his. “Eliza, something’s clearly upsetting you. Can you try to help me figure out what’s going on?”

 

Eliza bit her lip. “I can’t put it into words, you know? Everything just feels…so overwhelming.”

 

Alex nodded slowly, feeling his stomach drop as he started to get an inkling of what Eliza’s problem might be. “How so?”

 

Eliza sniffed, turning her face away again. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to deal with Philip. I feel like I’m already fucking up our kid.”

 

“Eliza, you’re a great mom”, Alex said sternly. “Philip’s not even a year old, it’s too early for either of us to fuck him up”, he added, hoping to add some lightness to the conversation.

 

“Sometimes I hate him”, Eliza whispered wretchedly.

 

“Eliza…” Alex began, shocked. “You don’t really mean that.”

 

“I do”, Eliza breathed, her face crumpling up in pain. “When he won’t stop crying, and I’m at my wit’s end, sometimes I wish he was just gone.”

 

“How long have you felt like this?”

 

“Since he was born.” Alex felt sick. For almost seven months Eliza had been struggling with this, what he was pretty sure could be a life or death problem, and he hadn’t even noticed until she broke down right in front of him. He had been unbelievably busy lately, with the practice starting up, and his job consulting policies with Washington on the side, and the new baby, but that wasn’t an excuse. His wife was drowning, and he hadn’t even thought to throw her a lifejacket.

 

Alex sighed heavily, squeezing her a little tighter. “Eliza, I don’t think that necessarily makes you a bad mom” he began.

 

“How could it not?” Eliza choked out. “I hate _myself_ for not being able to help him. Sometimes I wish we didn’t have him, just so it was less painful. What kind of mother feels that way about their own child?”

 

“Maybe the kind that has postpartum depression?” Alex asked softly.

 

Eliza stiffened in his arms. “I don’t have postpartum depression, Alexander”, she said icily.

 

“Betsey, it’s nothing to be embarrassed-“

 

“I am _not_ depressive”, she hissed, twisting away from him.

 

“Eliza you have mood swings, feelings of inadequacy, you’re having trouble bonding with the baby, those are all symptoms”, Alex murmured.

 

“Maybe I’m having a hard time because you _left_ me”, Eliza snapped defensively. “Maybe I’m having a hard time with Philip because I know that if Washington calls you, you’ll leave me alone with him _again_ without a second thought.”

 

“Eliza you know that’s not fair”, Alex protested.

 

“I don’t _care_ anymore”, Eliza growled. “When have you _ever_ been fair to me?”

 

“Betsey”, Alex said softly, “I’m only trying to help.”

 

“Don’t”, Eliza snarled. “Don’t try to diagnose me, not when you haven’t been here. It’s not right.”

 

“I’m sorry”, Alex replied. “Don’t you think it would be helpful to have a professional talk to you about these problems though?”  


“Stop being condescending”, Eliza said, although there was slightly less fire behind it.

 

“I’m not trying to be condescending”, Alex began carefully, “but I’m sorry if that’s how it sounded. I’m just _worried_ about you Eliza.”

 

Eliza bit her lip. “This shouldn’t be this hard”, she whimpered. “I’ve always wanted to be a mother.”

 

“I know, love”, Alex said gently.

 

“And what if I can’t bond with the baby?” Eliza cried. “What if I can’t love him?”

 

“You already do”, Alexander reminded her firmly. “You take such great care of him, and you’ve never let the bad days change the way you deal with him. You love him, and he loves you.” He reached for Eliza’s hand, squeezing it. “But if there’s a chance you could have fewer bad days, don’t you want to at least explore it?”

 

“I don’t know”, Eliza sighed. “I don’t want this to be real. I’m scared.”

 

“And you think I’m not?” Alex gave her a crooked grin. “We have a _baby_ together Eliza. I’m terrified.”   


She gave him a small smile. “Then I’m glad I’m not alone.”

 

“And you won’t be ever again”, he promised. “Not if I have a say in it.”

 

“Thank you”, Eliza murmured.

 

“Anytime”, Alex said, lightly kissing the tip of her nose. Eliza heard the effort that went into projecting a casual air in his words, and felt her whole body warm with the contentment that had been hard to come by for a while. “Will you talk to a doctor though?”

 

Eliza sighed, raking a hand through her hair. “Lets not talk about it tonight.”

 

“Okay”, Alex said quietly. “Do you want me to get Pip?”

 

Eliza nodded slowly, almost shyly. “Yes please.”

 

“Alright my love, I’ll be right back”, Alex smiled. Eliza watched him stumble out of bed, coming back a few minutes later with a gurgling, happy Philip, clearly over his crying fit if it meant snuggling in with his Mama and Pops.

 

“Hi, my little love”, Eliza whispered, as Philip furrowed his brows in concentration and squeezed a lock of her hair in his tiny fist.

 

Alex looked at the way Eliza cradled a squirming Philip in her arms, a small, gentle smile on her face as he babbled up to her. They were a family, his family. And if there was one thing he knew for sure, it was that Hamiltons didn’t give up.


End file.
